Notes from Journaling
In 2023, I began again. I had taken a sabbatical in my prayer life. Sure, I shot up the occasional prayer asking for wisdom. I prayed and listened for other people. Yet I was tired of praying like it was insurance from bad things happening. Striving had ceased.
The love of communing with God through prayer from friendship appealed to me like a wonderland. The risk was far more enticing than the worry of praying to keep darkness at bay. If I am honest, my love for God needed to grow because my soul had withered, so I stopped praying. It's hard to love God when there are topics you have to avoid to do so. You can love around things but can't love deeply and well.
What did I find before my restart? I discovered that His Presence would come close anyway. The time in my sabbatical allowed me to reconnect to God as Someone. 2023 began my prayer life again.
I present a few lines from my prayer journal this year as I've reflected on 2023's keywords for the year: Highs and lows, Gather, & Momentum. I hope you see some of the learning points in my journey and the fruit of kneading these themed words into my life throughout the year.
Topic-On Ebbs & Flows:
“Love feels rosy
And then sadness takes its place
because the glow can't stay as an ebb moves in.
Maybe that sadness has robbed me.
But what if the loss rendered me grateful?
Because of those lows, I know
I will live to seek again.
I will always have enough.
I am grateful for the ebb and flow
...which is typical for humanity.
We are governed by time and personal limits.”
A prayer of gratitude for Highs and Lows:
"Thank you, God, for this moment,
That it had a beginning and an end.
The rise was so beautiful, and the fall allowed me to rest, hoping another flow would come again.
Now in the valley, I ask for my daily bread.
Sunrise to sunset, you are God.
My need isn't more significant than your supply or this day's measure."
Topic- God the Giver
“For Your love to be wider, higher, deeper, and more than I can ask or imagine, I would have to gaze at it through my need and see the abundance. What You give fills me, and it fits. It doesn't shut out, shut off, or change favors.”
Topic- Prayer & Gathering What I have
“You are the spark of change.
Yet, I cannot hold on to You.
Come however you want,
I'll receive what you give.
You can be a mystery
I'll be content.
I'll let you be.
You can even disappoint me.
And you'll hear about it…
But I will continue to show up
I'll wait. I'll listen.
You can be powerful
And you can tell me no.
Give me your silence,
And yet, show up.
I'll stay. I know there is no cruelty,
No quick-handed blow.
This conversation is not about measuring me by what I don't know.
There is only gentleness
Here in your desire to see me made whole.
For this reason, I'll come
even when ...
You can be a whisper.
You can carry me close.
Yet you can not answer
What I want fixed most.
I'll take what you give
So I can know the full account.
I won't have to beg
I know now, your heart.
I'll remain here
Maintaining the connection.
You can answer me in legacy
Of which I may never see.
You can remain wild and contradicting
As long as you remain with me.”
